Note to self:

Keep your fucking mouth shut.

I'm trying to keep my wrist clean.

I want to split a vein. I want to bleed everywhere. I want be released into an ether of peacefulness and never have to deal with life or think of its atrocities ever again.

I want to give up so fucking badly.

I'm fine.

Also, two six word days that I never got around to posting after I proposed it before:

Dreams: feared persecution, fucked Draco instead.

Try to smile, grimace, linger guilt-ridden.

I haven't liked someone like this in a while. It's uncomfortable.

There's E, who I love, but who I was friends with for years before I thought of him as anything else. There's K, but she's really just a friend who I'm awkwardly attracted to, most of the time I can ignore it. There's M, who I'm fond of and totally want to fuck (and sometimes accidentally fantasize about mid-lecture lol) but who I'm really only interested in fucking.

With P, I don't know. I fucking adore her, and it's awkward and I'm genuinely surprised by how much I'm attracted to her.

I think the closest I've come to this feeling is with J, except that he drove me fucking crazy for ages before he started growing on me.

It's weird too, because I liked P, like as a person and a teammate, since I met her, but I was avoiding admitting interest until that rugby party when I was drunk enough to not be able to deny it to myself and she was being all adorable and leggy and fuck. And she's a fucking excellent player, which only makes it worse.

I just, ugh, this is super inarticulate but I feel like I needed to say it.
Yup.

Something new.

I feel like I should do more (anything) on this blog, and it occurred to be that I might try to do six word versions of each day. Attempt #1:

Evening better than morning, nice change.

It's been so long since I've been on here, I can't even imagine trying to get caught up.

But there are so many people whose blogs I'm so relieved to see, just to know they're still alive.

The irony is that I avoid social situations because I am insufficiently judgmental and (without specific cause) unlikely to lie. I fear being judged and can rarely tell when people are being dishonest. Give me something concrete, and my judgement can easily be ruthless and objective. But with people I almost (and almost is admittedly rather key) assume good intentions.