Awkward.

The problem is that it isn't purely sexual.

Oh, there was adoration before too, but it was essentially sexual and intellectual/skill-based. Don't get me wrong, I love M, R and N as people too, but I have no barely repressible urge to wrap them up in my arms and hold them and breathe them in, just 'cause. And it isn't that I'm not ludicrously sexually attracted to him, and like I couldn't talk to him for hours. See that's the problem I suppose. Because if it were only one or two of these things, I could manage. But it's not. It's the whole fucking deal.

Fuck.

And I would just take my frustration out on you, but you're a whole half country away and that quite simply isn't helpful. I don't want to talk about it, it's embarrassing. I just want to deal with it. Although I feel like I should warn you that you don't quite measure up; must be something to do with him having more than ten years on you or something. Hey, maybe we'll work out and I'll actually get to have you when you're his age... that would be nice.

Alright. Twelve or so days until I get to substitute with you. Maybe by the time I get back here I'll be over the worst of this. Maybe.